Love and Be Loved

Honestly, I’m not used to letting people love on me well. I close up a lot and isolate myself at times. I also didn’t realize until talking with one of my squad leaders (Hannah) and then processing what was talked about. Since I’ve been on the World Race letting people love on me well is something huge I’ve been learning and relearning. I’ve grown up learning how to love on people well but have always struggled with letting people love on me and this has been very prevalent while out on the field. Having the conversations expressing this with my team has been great and they’ve come alongside me and loved on me very well. I guess I don’t know how to let people love on me well because of both how I grew up and how I felt with growing up. 

Growing up I was abused in certain ways. For instance one of my mom’s boyfriends shoved a sock in my mouth for simply crying. I was put in a headlock from my stepdad for moving his finger out of my face because he was pointing his finger in my face and it agitates me as i physically feel horrible when things are close up to my face. So much so that sometimes I can’t even where my glasses for a little while so my head will stop feeling weird, I don’t know how to explain the feeling. Growing up I felt invisible to those I went to school with, I felt like I loved those I went to school with well to the best of my introverted self could do but at times didn’t feel the reciprocating of that love. It spoke volumes to me in high school when I tried reaching out to friends or those I’d consider friends or people who I thought were my friends. It spoke volumes to me in middle school as well when I thought I made a friend with someone that I went to school with and in the same neighborhood but they quickly were a bad influence for me so much so that they wanted to fight me. 

I never would have realized this if I didn’t come on the World Race to do mission work to be used by God to advance His Kingdom. I state this because I couldn’t and can’t afford a therapist to talk things out and figure this stuff out in the States. I also always push and hide my emotions even though I am an open book and will talk about anything, I see there’s still stuff I’m not open about. It don’t help when we live in a society that targets men and tears them down to be passive and not express how they are feeling. So in the process of learning how to let others love on me well, I’m learning also how to process things better and type things out or journal before expressing my thoughts or how something made me feel. To my fellow men out there, don’t be afraid to express how you’re feeling. Also don’t tear one another down, try and be there for one another. To the women, be open to the men and don’t tear them down when they tell you they’re having a rough time. To everyone, don’t be afraid to let others love on you well. I know a large majority of us have had past hurt and feel like we can’t. I know it takes time, slowly allow yourself to be loved on well. Also take your past hurt to the Lord. He’s the ultimate healer and will heal your wounds. I love you and God loves you way more. You are enough. You are worthy in His eyes. After all He did send His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins on a cross being crucified, laid in the tomb and rose again to life on the third day defeating death and Satan.